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Hemorrhoids

Hemorrhoids
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He told the truth, mostly.
(Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn)

How to get rid of Hemorrhoids
(or, at the very least, stop the itching and go on to some other aspect of your life that has got to be much more fulfilling)

The simple fact that you are actually reading this says something in itself. Perhaps you have nothing better to do, which I doubt. Or, perhaps you have many better things to do, but you want to relieve, or better yet prevent, a sore heiney.

1. First, we can stop killing sharks (among our newest endangered species). "Preparation H" and its clones are made from shark liver oil. Use topical vitamin E instead. Medically speaking, "topical" means "applied directly to the surface." This really works, oh hemorrhoid sufferers. Make sure the anus is clean, and even more important, dry. After a shower or bath, blot the area with a clean, white tissue and wait ten or fifteen minutes. Then, puncture a vitamin E capsule with a push-pin. (You might even like to keep a push-pin in the bottle, as long as it is out of reach of children and brightly colored so you can spot it, too.) Place the opened end of the vitamin E capsule right up against the anus, and squeeze the capsule. Spread the slightly oily vitamin E around and you will be pleased with the prompt results. Repeat twice daily.

2. Eat more fiber. This means softer, easier to pass stools. Just lovely, this chat we're having here, isn't it?

3. Drink more water. You need water for fiber to work. The bowel is your water recycling center, by the way. A human bowel movement usually contains only about 150 ml (that's about half a Dixie cup) of water. The rest, and we're talking quarts, is reclaimed by your body, which is itself made two-thirds of water. Dry stools are an adaptation for land animals, especially birds and reptiles, that conserve water super efficiently. Although we are capable of forming a very solid stool, it is better for your butt if you don't.

4. Eat less meat. Meat contains no fiber. Even lean meat has a lot of fat compared to grains, beans, vegetables and fruit, which are loaded with fiber.

5. Avoid surgery by doing the four steps above. OK, some personal experience: my Dad had several hemorrhoid operations during his lifetime. (He actually watched them perform the surgery, thanks to the wonders of local anesthesia and cleverly placed mirrors. Now there's a ready answer for "What did you do today, dear?") The simple fact that he had the same operation more than once tells us much about the value of operations.

All right, let's take this discussion even lower (if that's possible) and let you in on the proctologist with a secret: his custom-made wallpaper had a novel, abstract design. Turns out it was a pattern of assorted anal sphincters. This was in the man's professional office, and I am not making it up: my Dad told me. Of course, there is a slim chance that he might be making it up, and let's hope so.

The rest of this website has been pretty much on the level.

Mostly.

Andrew Saul is the author of the books FIRE YOUR DOCTOR! How to be Independently Healthy (reader reviews at http://www.doctoryourself.com/review.html ) and DOCTOR YOURSELF: Natural Healing that Works. (reviewed at http://www.doctoryourself.com/saulbooks.html )

Andrew W. Saul

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: This page is not in any way offered as prescription, diagnosis nor treatment for any disease, illness, infirmity or physical condition. Any form of self-treatment or alternative health program necessarily must involve an individual's acceptance of some risk, and no one should assume otherwise. Persons needing medical care should obtain it from a physician. Consult your doctor before making any health decision.

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